It's hard for me to write this, but I have to, hoping that the feelings I'm having right now will not be as powerful as they are now.
I lost my dear friend in an accident on Friday's night. My ex-boyfriend to be exact. My boyfriend of 3 years and 2 months. And I am not coping very well right now. I'm flooded with memories of those years we spent together. It felt so surreal to hear about his death, and still is.
Sometimes I am okay. Sometimes I am not. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't. Most of the time, I lost in my own thoughts of him. Oh god, this is one hard news to digest.
I remember he never failed to mention that somehow he could feel he wouldn't live a long life, but being a mere human being I am, I of course dismissed the idea. Sometimes, it irritated me so much because he always talked like he knew when he's going to die. I let him be. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. The call I got last Saturday caught me off guard. He knew. Haih. I know, I know, it's fate and there's nothing we can do to stop it from happening, but you can imagine the guilt I am having right now.
And after the break up, I hadn't been exactly nice to him either. I was glad for our break up because we didn't really do well as a couple together, plus I got tired of having a relationship, I thought the responsibility was too much too handle at that time, but yeah, it didn't give me the right to treat him like a dirt, which I did. Yeah, I shouldn't do that. There were these unresolved issues between us that developed me into a bitter person, towards him especially, which explains my not-so-warm attitude towards him. What I regret the most is, I don't get to apologize to him. I kept delaying my apology, thinking that there is always another day to do that. Apparently not. Haih.
I can only pray for the best for him down there. May you rest in peace, friend. And I'll be forever chained to this guilt.
Alfatihah to Kharul Subbree Mohd Zaini.
Lesson to be learnt: Never let your ego hinders you from doing the right thing.
And after the break up, I hadn't been exactly nice to him either. I was glad for our break up because we didn't really do well as a couple together, plus I got tired of having a relationship, I thought the responsibility was too much too handle at that time, but yeah, it didn't give me the right to treat him like a dirt, which I did. Yeah, I shouldn't do that. There were these unresolved issues between us that developed me into a bitter person, towards him especially, which explains my not-so-warm attitude towards him. What I regret the most is, I don't get to apologize to him. I kept delaying my apology, thinking that there is always another day to do that. Apparently not. Haih.
I can only pray for the best for him down there. May you rest in peace, friend. And I'll be forever chained to this guilt.
Alfatihah to Kharul Subbree Mohd Zaini.
Lesson to be learnt: Never let your ego hinders you from doing the right thing.
5 comment(s):
Ain, takziah. And be strong.
al-Fatihah. Takziah, Ain.
be strong yeah. i tak terbayang kalau i ada kat tempat you. :(
but i'm sure he forgave you long ago. keep praying for him, okay :')
thanks guys :')
ain, im very sorry. takziah my dear. tho it seems as if death is more becoming these days (idk, tht's wht im feeling) but it's aftr all just another part of life, that insyaAllah we'll learn to accept. be strong ain ♥
i'll try. i'm coping now, but sometimes it feels weird, he's not here anymore. btw, thanks lin! :')
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